Running out of ideas, the NFL now penalizes hugs

The NFL has a seemingly endless list of ways to penalize and fine players for everything on and off the field. To keep up that profile, hugs are now banned.

The NFL is known for many things. It is America’s most popular sport at the moment. Nothing touches football across an entire year in ratings or revenue. However, it is also known as a place where individuality, celebration, and fun are outlawed.

There is a long list of examples of the NFL and its arcane rules. Even the most die-hard NFL fans have to admit that the league prefers armies of NFL robots doing and playing the same way, rather than unique and interesting people who happen to play football.

Here is what we believe may have occurred at this week’s past Secret Cabal meeting between the NFL and officiating management. (Not actually)

Officials: Any changes this week you want us to roll out to keep oppressing the fun of the game?

NFL: Well, we could probably outlaw something harmless, that most of the world views as a good thing.

Officials: Like what?

NFL: Hugs. Hugs are now banned. If you are hugged or see hugs, 15 yard penalties.

Officials: Excellent decision boss! I really hope something good happens in my game this weekend so I can shut it down.

Well it did, and the Seahawks’ Earl Thomas fell into their trap.

Now, yes – there is a rule for not making contact with a ref. But to be fair, there are about 2 million rules, banning most human moments on a NFL field. To the NFL, Thomas basically did this:

Remember, this is the league that once penalized a player for wearing pink cleats during a game, during Breast Cancer Awareness month. You know that month where the NFL forces players and coaches to were articles of pink clothing….

Good luck Earl Thomas. In fact, all of the Seahawks defense. Dez Bryant. Mike Evans. Actually all characters. Enjoy the games this weekend, just not too much, as the NFL is looking to track excessive home celebration to fine your team.