How One-Legged Michael Jordan vs. LaVar Ball Would Play Out

No matter what you think will happen in the future that will get LaVar Ball out of your lives, you’re wrong. No matter what the man says or does, he is continuously growing bigger and stronger. He’s like the White Walkers from Game of Thrones if the White Walkers forced people to overpay for their sh—y sneakers covered in ice and claimed they would be better at running the White House than Frank Underwood in House of Cards.

LaVar Ball doesn’t have an off switch, a care in the world, or a any sort of filter, which makes him dangerous. For the second time in his life, Michael Jordan has to save an entire planet. This time, it’s ours.

It’s takes a skilled man to dismiss what LaVar Ball says. Sure, when he says his son will be better than Steph Curry, or that he’s a better tight end than Rob Gronkowski or that he can breath underwater better than Aquaman, you just mark it off as nonsense, and let it go in one ear and out the other.

The only problem is, he says so much nonsense that your ear canal ends up getting clogged, and some things actually register in your brain. That’s what happened when Michael Jordan finally responded to LaVar Ball’s theory that he could best his Airness in a game of basketball. MJ simply replied that he could best the eldest of the Balls one-legged.

 

That’s what set up the most insane game of one-on-one the world has ever seen.

It is September 2017, not far in the future. Kids are begrudgingly going back to school, football is underway, and Kyrie Irving still hasn’t been traded. Michael Jordan is back at his alma mater the University of North Carolina for the day for a quick visit. Jordan is in the Dean Smith Center alone throwing a basketball up in the air, quietly talking to himself, wondering if the ceiling is truly the roof just like he said months ago. Then, he hears the door slam and quickly turns around to see LaVar Ball standing in the doorway.

Jordan knew immediately why Ball was strutting into the empty gymnasium Vince McMahon style . It doesn’t take a competent NBA owner to realize what was going on. Lavar was there to challenge him to a game of one on one to prove the GOAT couldn’t live up to the lofty expectations he set for himself when he said he could take down the King of the Big Baller Brand on one foot.

Jordan, still shocked that he did not hear LaVar coming from one country mile away, confidently accepts. If he can make the whole world forget about his gambling addiction by picking up baseball and playing for the Chicago White Sox, he can beat a big mouth neverwas in a game of one on one.

Besides, he was more successful in some NBA games than Ball was during his entire college career.

 

While Jordan had clearly heard LaVar Ball since he has been in the same time zone as him before, he had never seen the man in person. LaVar, who was right up in Jordan’s face with that same menacing grin as always that still had bits of the Doritos Locos taco he had just scarfed down for lunch stuck in his teeth sized up surprisingly well with Jordan. Both are 6’6, out of shape men.

LaVar may have a few dozen pounds on Jordan, but he also surprisingly has youth. Ball is 48, six years younger than Jordan, which you could’ve guessed considering he normally dresses in sweats and slide-on flip flops like a college kid who was too lazy to put on real clothes to head to his 8 A.M class.

The stage was set. Ball was donned in all black wearing a customized version of the BBB ZO2 Sho’Times with an image of LaVar accepting a presidential nomination on one shoe, while an image of him planting a BBB flag on the moon was featured on the other (Ball immediately put the shoes up for sale at $4.5 million, the same price as a Lamborghini Veneno). Jordan was much simpler with no flash. He wore a regular tank top, and those same lucky North Carolina shorts he wore under his Bulls uniform during every game, just like he told us he did during “Space Jam”.

They agreed on traditional one on one rules. Game to 11, everything counts as one, loser’s ball, and you call your own fouls. The only difference is, Jordan had his right leg taped to his left. When Jordan politely asks LaVar if he wants to shoot for ball, LaVar shouts in his regular boisterous voice “Let that bitch go first” in an effort to quote Eminem from “8 Mile”, and immediately begins laughing and looking towards the stands for a reaction even though not a single person is in the arena with them. Jordan who is finally beginning to realize he hasn’t always made the best decisions in life after agreeing to play this lunatic, shakes off the moment of doubt, receives the ball from LaVar, and buries a shot directly in his face.

The game continued as such for quite some time. Even though Jordan was on one leg, he clearly still had that same shot that helped him win six rings. LaVar who was about as agile as a boar who had just taken a mud bath in nearly dry cement simply couldn’t reach around to steal the ball out of Jordan’s hands, who drilled jumper after jumper in his grill. Ball may be the shit talker of today, but let’s not forget Jordan used to talk a pretty hefty amount of smack himself back in his day. The hotter he got shooting, the more he began to mouth off.

He started light on him, claiming he couldn’t beat Brittney Griner let alone himself. He then went on to call Ball’s defense uglier than Lonzo’s jumper, LiAngelo’s chances of getting in the NBA, and his own draft history as owner of the Hornets. “Seriously, Cody Zeller at No. 4? What the fuck was I thinking!?” Jordan hit his ninth jumper in a row over a grunting LaVar, laughing as he said “the only big ball your wife has seen is the one I snapped her last week”.

That’s when LaVar snapped.

The next time Jordan got the ball, LaVar put all of the weight he amassed after finding out McDonald’s had an app right onto Jordan’s one leg, and shoved him to the ground. Jordan not only missed the shot, but twisted his ankle to the point where he could barely put any pressure on it. Being the gamer that he is, he refused to call a foul and laid on the ground wincing in pain as he watched LaVar clear the ball, and miss two dunks before he wheezed his way over to the hoop, putting layup for his first point of the game.

LaVar quickly saw his advantage like a shark smelling blood in the water and immediately claimed Jordan couldn’t switch legs. Letting his competitive spirit get the best of him, Jordan begrudgingly agreed, checking the ball to his cackling opponent. Even though Ball was slow and relatively unskilled, he had the weight and strength to constantly bowl over the injured Jordan on his way to the basket, who couldn’t help but watch him score over and over.

As you could imagine, LaVar got louder and louder each time he scored. For anyone who has ever heard LaVar Ball speak, that seems like it would defy the laws of sound as we know them. We’ve seen Jordan keep his cool recently when an entire gymnasium of children was cheering against him, so we know the old man can still take the pressure.

 

Still what do you think is louder- hundreds of campers, or one LaVar?

By the time Ball scored a third time, he was as loud as the announcer who normally announces the starting lineups in Madison Square Garden. After a semi-impressive up and under to give him his fifth point, he was louder that a fog horn on a tugboat. The class as completely shattered every single window in the Dean Smith arena just from the sheer vibrations coming out of the King of the BBB. By the time he scored his eighth point, the ground was rumbling in each and every state while LaVar bellowed how his buddies from Looney Tunes Land couldn’t help him now.

Clearly, this type of behavior should not be happening statewide, and caused mass hysteria amongst the United States government. With no signs of earthquakes or other natural disasters as the cause for this phenomenon, they could only assume it was the works of an attack within the country. Without truly knowing what it was, but only knowing where the vibrations were coming from, the United States orders an immediate evacuation of the surrounding areas in order to lay waste to Dean Smith arena.

By the time LaVar Ball buries his shoulder into the quickly fading Michael Jordan for his ninth point to tie the score, the United States has sent warning shots just hundreds of feet away from the arena. The campus now looks like the setting from “This Is The End”, but neither will stop playing. Jordan is simply too competitive, and LaVar truly believes in his mind he can absorb whatever bomb comes his way.

While fires blaze around the arena, Jordan knows he has to stop LaVar before it’s too late. Once he checks him the ball, he points to the other side of the arena and exclaims, “Is that LaMelo over there actually playing defense?” Completely stunned, Ball turns around to see his son on the defensive end for the first time in his young career, giving Jordan the opportunity to slap the ball right out of his hands, picking it up for a quick turnaround jumper.

 

At point game, the GOAT knew exactly what to do. LaVar’s ego was like a gremlin after midnight- you simply could not feed it. He took a sip out of his bottle labeled “Michael’s Secret Stuff”, and got the ball from Ball for the final time. He took one step on his bum ankle, and soared through the hoop, slamming home the final point while putting LaVar on a poster to end the game.

For the first time in his entire life, LaVar Ball was speechless. No excuse could change what had happened that day. He simply picked up his vintage Big Baller Brand bag, and disappeared through the smoke surrounding the arena with his head down.

Shortly after, the United States military showed up in full force just as Jordan was leaving the arena. The captain, a former Bulls fan, ordered everyone to hold their fire while he approached Jordan and asked what happened here. MJ looked back at the wreckage behind him and smiled. He simply replied “a game of one on one”, and limped past the army into the distance.

Just another reason why Jordan remains the GOAT.