Sauber Spend all Investment Money on ‘Really Good Lunch’ by Accident

Ryan Ashenhurst
Ryan Ashenhurst
Ryan Ashenhurst
Contributor

After being saved by Longbow finance and looking to be secure for the foreseeable future, Sauber have already blown the cash injection on a Budapest buffet munchfest.

Felipe Nasr was found in a meat coma behind some bins, a receipt in his shorts the evidence condemning the driver and his team to a lengthy legal battle between the Hinwil-based team and the new investors.

A spokesperson for Longbow finance’s legal team said,

“We knew that the team had issues, but not like this. With one of the drivers in a meat coma, the other still missing in the food district of the city, we’re completely lost.

Monisha Kaltenborn has been sicking out Goulash soup for the past 24 hours, she just shakes her head in dismissal when we press her, try and ask what the hell is going on. But we get nothing…

– Longbow spokesperson

The rest of the Goulash soup was taken to an interrogation chamber...
The rest of the Goulash soup was taken to an interrogation chamber…

We investigated the food district for several hours after hearing that Marcus Ericsson was still on the loose. We followed the trail of nibbled chimney cakes and stuffed cabbages to a darkened corner, where we could hear weeping.

We approached slowly, not wanting to distress the broken Swede further. There he was, looking up at us, his mouth caked in a sludgy blend of vegetables and meat. He reached out to us, so we stole a blanket from a passing person and cradled Ericsson back to safety.

He then revealed everything. He said,

“Peter Sauber didn’t think we were hungry enough as a team, that’s why we were under-performing. So he performed shock therapy on us and made us listen to a recording of him telling us to “be hungrier” day after day, week after week.”

– Marcus Ericsson

Ericsson Admitted that his crash in Silverstone was caused by a lack of visibility after demanding his team fill his helmet to the brim with grilled salmon fillets.
Ericsson Admitted that his crash in Silverstone was caused by a lack of visibility after demanding his team fill his helmet to the brim with grilled salmon fillets.

When pressed about who else Peter Sauber performed these psycho-motivational experiments on, the Swede admitted that himself, Team-mate Felipe Nasr and Monisha Kaltenborn were his only subjects. The Swede admitted that they’d been feeling the effects of Sauber’s Psychotherapy since Australia, adding,

“The biggest sense of shame shared between the three of us was race five, Barcelona. We were due an upgrade, a new rear-wing. It arrived but me and Monisha intercepted it before it got the the circuit. Felipe joined us later and we sold it on the black market for three tons of paella.

Our logistics guy lost his job and I feel so bad… You got any food mate?”

– Marcus Ericsson

The quote from Ericsson had hardly finished by the time he’d raided our fridge. The Swede escaped our grasp and is still said to be hunting on the streets of Budapest. We pushed Peter Sauber for an answer to his crimes, he sent us cake and told us to ‘f*ck off’. We’ll keep you posted if there are any updates…

gourmet Nasr

 

 

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