FAKE NEWS: This Week in Motorsport

Ryan Ashenhurst
Ryan Ashenhurst
Ryan Ashenhurst
Contributor

It has been an interesting week in the false dimension of Motorsport. This week’s imagined report covers the latest fake news in the paddocks of Formula One, Formula E and the BTCC.


FORMULA ONE’S NEW OWNERS LAUNCH BAND AHEAD OF TOUR ANNOUNCEMENTS

In a bid to modernise Formula One and detach from the ways of the old regime, Chase Carey, Ross Brawn and Sean Bratches have revealed that they will be dropping their new album, ‘Bern Bitch Bern’ ahead of the Formula One season opener in Melbourne. The band go by the name ‘F.O.M Acousticide’ and play a subtle blend of soft, folky tones interchanged with devastating Dubstep drops.

F.O.M Acousticide's latest promo poster.
F.O.M Acousticide’s latest promo poster.

The band’s manager offered some details on the trio’s intentions,

“The gents are hyped, and have been working on their studio album for a few months. Ross is the most musically apt, he designed his own chaos pad and is the king of drops. Bratches brings the folky tones and licks the strings harder than a dog in a beef brisket factory. Then there’s Chase, the ladies love a yank, and his vocals go from a solemn Johnny Cash to an emphatic Prodigy-esque shout-montage as soon as Brawn drops and it gets dutty.

We’ve already recorded a few songs, ‘Un-DRS-ing You’ is probably the most emotive song so far, the music video is brimming with cash and ass. We can also announce a Bob Marley cover of ‘Pass the Dutchie’ featuring backing vocals from Max Verstappen. The guys are pumped.”

– Clifford Edge


FORMULA E TO WALK BETWEEN EPRIX TO CUT CARBON EMISSIONS

Formula E have announced plans to stop using lorries and planes to travel to each ePrix in a bid to cut further carbon emissions from the sport. The paddock are believed to be currently somewhere in the North Atlantic ocean, making a large portion of the 9050Km trip in rubber dingy’s and will walk to Buenos Aires when they arrive ashore on the Brazilian coast.

The route ahead...

Brainchild of the idea, Ollie Green remains confident of the move despite a Mahindra Team car being picked up by a fishing trawler near Cape Verde.

“Saving the planet is what Motorsport is all about… I came up with the idea because I thought, ‘How can we make this more organic? How can we show the world that we’re the champions of change?’. It’s also a great way to keep the drivers and mechanics in shape.”

– Ollie Green

The Formula e paddock were scheduled to arrive at the Brazilian coast a week ago. So far, only Daniel Apt has turned up, using a head protection unit as a floatation device. Formula e organisers were unavailable for comment.


KIMI RAIKKONEN TRADEMARKS ‘BWOAH’ AFTER CATCHING VETTEL USING PHRASE

Iceman Kimi Raikkonen has officially trademarked his pre-sentence catchphrase ‘BWOAH’ after clips emerged of Sebastian Vettel using the distinctive mouth-noise. Raikkonen is seemingly aware of his German teammate’s habit of linguistic thievery, we all remember the ‘For Sure’ enquiry of 2010 and the lengthy legal battle between Nico Rosberg and Sebastian Vettel.

Arrivabene tries to restrain Kimi after the Finn overhears his teammate using 'BWOAH' in an interview with German TV.
Arrivabene tries to restrain Kimi after the Finn overhears his teammate using ‘BWOAH’ in an interview with German TV.

We obtained the court transcript from the For Sure enquiry, and expect a similar battle to follow between the Ferrari drivers…

Judge – Does Mr Vettel accept the charges put forward by the prosecution team representing their client, Mr Rosberg?

Vettel – For sure… Bollocks, I mean no, honestly, no.

Judge – Hmmm, Mr Rosberg, would you like to respond?

Rosberg – For sure, I think the evidence is substantial enough, for sure.

Judge – I agree. I hereby charge the accused of imitating the defendant to an irritating degree. Mr Vettel, you are hereby banned from using that particular phrase.

Vettel – Honestly?

Judge – For sure… F*ck why is it so contagious?


BTCC OPEN TO F1 BECOMING A SUPPORT SERIES

The ever-stable, full-gridded, wheel-to-wheel, down-to-Earth, accessible British Touring Car Championship series is open to the idea of Formula One becoming a supporter series to their sunrise-to-sunset ITV4 package. Ginetta Juniors, a series in which embryonic cells compete for victories in aerodynamic milk-floats is to be sacrificed if the global single-seater series takes up the offer.

Hooded yobs check a line of touring cars to see if any are unlocked. A track official (foreground) looks on helplessly.
John Englandbloke emerges from his Touring car. Team personnel wear headphones to block out the profanity.

BTCC driver, 58-year-old farm-hand John Englandbloke isn’t as keen on the idea,

“The last thing us lot want is a load of rich blokes flashing their watches and multi-coloured chino’s around our humble paddock. Why should we bloody take’em? Do they even know we go racing in the north? I’ve seen that bleedin’ lot, waltzing around Monte Carlo, eating their fancy salads and walking around in slow motion, wearing those big sunglasses on SkySports. What they gonna do when they have to go beyond the wall? At Knockhill, you get a gristle pie for lunch, go racing, piss in a bucket and f*ck off home. Is Pascal Wehrlein gonna be up for that?”

– John Englandbloke

 

 

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