Alonso Makes Reservations at Local Tapas Bar for Early Sunday Afternoon

Ryan Ashenhurst
Ryan Ashenhurst
Ryan Ashenhurst
Contributor

Fernando Alonso has reserved a table for two at the Restaurant Barbas tapas bar for 2:10pm on Sunday, with a Belgian +1 also on the table. 

Alonso's Sunday Lunch
Alonso’s Sunday Lunch

It’s strange that the reservation has been made for ten minutes after the start of the Spanish Grand Prix, so we went to the restaurant to find out if Nando had revealed anything to the staff:

“Fernando came in on Tuesday to make his reservation, he was wearing a cap and sunglasses, and had a weird American twang to his accent, so we didn’t realise it was him until he pulled of the shades. He made the reservation and I was left a bit confused as I follow F1 and know the race starts at 2pm, I asked him about this and he said, ‘look darling, it’s more likely that you’ll have my patatas bravas and calamari rings ready quicker than my McLaren gets down the straights. Chances are I’m retiring on the way to the grid, I want to console myself in some local cuisine if that happens, make sure you’ve got a few reds out for me too.’ I can see his point, we’ll probably put his bill on the house for his troubles.”

– Barbas Waitress

So the only action the McLaren drivers are likely to have this weekend is a bit of Nando noshing and Stoffel stuffing at the local eatery.


Other Non-News from the Paddock:

Safety Shield Concept to be tested alongside cotton wool race suits 

Cotton Harvest in Xinjiang

F1 drivers are literally going to be wrapped in cotton wool for the upcoming safety shield tests, but an insider who is on the design team of the safety shield has told us that the naively accepted race suit update could actually be a statement of protest from some of the more meat-headed blokey-blokes who drive fast for a living. FIA safety commission designer Aeron Autic said,

“Cotton wool falls apart at the best of times, it’s not really a good idea to replace the fire protective gear that drivers wear at the moment, we’ve already made the suits, that have already fallen apart in transit. We’re starting to think that this wasn’t actually a serious request, more a physical metaphor for how soft-bellied a closed cockpit would make Formula One look.”

– Aeron Autic

The safety shield has received wide criticism, with Formula One drivers up and down the grid determined not to be that one guy whose laughed at for wimping out. The criticism of safety has already caused some drivers to display alpha male territorial behaviour in the build up to the Spanish Grand Prix, with Kimi Raikkonen demanding that he attend the track parade bare chested with a pack of Amazonian women and Lewis Hamilton demanding that the Mercedes team provide him with Cuban cigars to chew on for the post-session press pen to appear more intimidating.


Carey Interrupts Bernie and Putin Conversation with Invisible Boob Jiggle

Russian President Vladimir Putin attends the 2017 Formula 1 Russian Grand Prix in Sochi

Sometimes, Ecclestone can be such an effective influencer that you have to go to the extreme to get the Russian President’s attention. The picture above captures a business industry secret that is only passed down to the elites of the corporate world. Moments earlier, Bernie had been whispering sweet nothings into Putin’s ear, before Carey pulled out the routine, shouting “Look, Tits!” at the top of his lungs before jiggling imaginary D-cups, providing the ultimate distraction and suffocating a business rival from influence. Putin is clearly amused by the likeable tactic. Carey is left successful, but feeling like David Brent. Bernie knows all of the tricks in the book, so is clearly annoyed with what some say was a tactic of his own making.

DISCLAIMER: This was a satirical post. Alonso hasn’t made a reservation in Spain, cotton wool race suits would be a disaster, and Chase Carey’s Russian President distraction manoeuvres are his own business.