LEAKED: F1 Drivers Post-Silverstone WhatsApp Chat

Ryan Ashenhurst
Ryan Ashenhurst
Ryan Ashenhurst
Contributor

Following a dominant display at the British Grand Prix, Lewis Hamilton edges tantalisingly close to Vettel in the standings, but instead of analysing the F1 race, the British Driver seems to be more interested in flogging faces. WARNING – Post contains severe levels of bullshit:

In reality, it was a weekend in which Mercedes ended up having a perfect race, and really put the Ferrari team on the back foot in the 2017 F1 title fight. Further back, Jolyon Palmer had the unluckiest of home Grand Prix’, with a DNF before the race start. The poor luck turned out to be the sinister work of the Haas F1 team. We spoke to a shamanic doomsayer that has recently been employed by the Haas Formula 1 team to eliminate rivals through the use of Haitian Voodoo and dark, binding metallurgy.

“As a shaman from the Nicaraguan wilderness, career prospects were slim, so when I got the call from Haas F1 to become a team member, I obviously said yes. I’d seen it in the smoke, a Dane and and Frenchman sprinting above the flames, but never able to slow down… Now I’m aware of the team’s brake problems, this makes some acute sense.

My first task as the senior Shamanic doomsayer was to work with some of the engineers to try and figure out the strengths of our opponents and how to manipulate them. With Renault, it was clear that their biggest asset is one of their drivers, so I got Guenther Steiner to cross my palm with silver so I could get to work.

Haas employee – The Shaman

 

The ingredients for the F1-related potion I manufactured were difficult to come by, but possible to obtain nonetheless. Essence of shoey, Oil spray from a W07, Honda engineer tears and pube of Maldonado.

The resulting concoction was potent enough to work, and I slipped it into what I thought was Hulkenberg’s car, a big threat to us, but in my haste, I put it into Jolyon’s car. A grave error, as he was no danger to us in the first place. I have since lost my job with the Haas team, but was quickly employed on a freelance contract with Red Bull DURING the British Grand Prix. They needed evidence of my powers before the offer, so I targeted the rubber on the red cars. They were very happy.”

– Shamanic F1 Paddock Dweller

It almost sounds like weird fiction from the deepest recesses of a lunatic (It is), but the Shamanic presence will be heading to Hungary with Red Bull Racing, suggesting a race of attrition for Mercedes and Ferrari next time out. Another rumoured use of the shaman will be an attempt to reverse the attrition curses of both Verstappen and Sainz. It is unknown where these curses have come from, but the belief is that the source of this dark magic could prove to be the final horcrux of Bernie Ecclestone.