Alexis Randock Dumped Rickie Fowler For Phil Mickelson After Famous Slide

alexis randock phil mickelson

(Satire)

Phil Mickelson turned a lot of women on when he did his famous “Phil-Slide” at the PGA Championship last month. After the slide went viral, women across the world ached for a strong independent man that didn’t rely on his feet to go places. Phil had introduced a new form of movement and women were transfixed.

Just like Helen of Troy ditched Menelaus and started an affair with Paris, Alexis Randock saw the slide and quickly garnered “warm, fuzzy feelings” for Phil Mickelson, prompting an end to her storied relationship with Rickie Fowler. According to Randock, it was the nature of the slide and what followed afterwards that captivated her to Phil. Let’s remind ourselves of the magical moment before we go any further.

https://vine.co/v/ed30tdMMYTK

When she saw the video on Vine, Alexis called Phil Mickelson’s agent and requested that she and Mickelson meet up for Appletinis that evening at the The Horse & Plow, a historic tavern a few minutes away from Whistling Straits. Already transfixed by the whimiscality of Phil’s slide, she watched in awe as Phil hailed the barman and said:

“Two Appletinis. Easy on the tini.”

They drank three of them each before Alexis announced to Phil that she would be leaving Rickie once the tournament was over.

“Why?” Phil said softly.

“Why not?” Randock replied.

Randock took Phil’s hand, guided him out of The Horse & Plow and walked him to the very hill that the slide took place.

“Do it for me, one more time,” she commanded.

Phil smiled, tipped the KPMG cap he was wearing, and climbed the hill. Slightly out of breath, Phil shouted down the hill:

“For nothing can be ill, if she be well,” echoing Romeo’s famous words to Balthasar.

“What language is that?” Randock replied.

“Nevermind. Here I come,” Phil said as he crossed his legs and leaned his weight forward.

Whereas the first slide (the “viral” one) transfixed Randock, this one stole her heart. As if in slow-motion, Phil slid down the hill, his eyes never leaving Randock’s.

“Cowabunga,” Phil goofily screamed as he reached maximum speed, his breasts jiggling ever-so-slightly under the moonlight.

As Phil stood up on his feet, Randock moved over to him and held onto him gently as if he were a tree.

“Make sweet love to me,” she requested. She took out her iPhone 6 and played John Mayer’s version of “Freefalling”. The lovemaking lasted approximately 43 minutes according to head pro Mike O’Reilly, a graduate of the prestigious Yale School of Voyeurism who moved to Wisconsin for “undisclosed reasons.”

That Sunday, Randock told Rickie Fowler it was over and promptly moved into a tree-house that her and Mickelson had purchased on that unforgettable night just 24 hours earlier. It stood some 750 meters from the clubhouse at Whistling Straits.

tree house
Randock & Mickelson’s Tree House in Kohler, Wisconsin.

According to O’Reilly, Randock and Mickelson have only left the treehouse on two occasions. The first was during a spat when Phil discovered what Instagram was and “literally exploded”. The second was when Phil sleepwalked out of the treehouse, falling thirty feet and fracturing his clavicle and ankle. Randock immediately jumped to his aid, activating the emergency exit slide Phil had installed two days earlier.

Despite these two incidents, the future looks bright for golf’s new power couple.