WTF! How Has Football Allowed These To Happen?!

Daniel Blazer
Daniel Blazer
Daniel Blazer
Managing Editor

Football is stupid – sure, I could find a better synonym to use instead of ‘stupid’, but if the shoe fits.

The beautiful game is in fact so stupid, that it takes a lot for us to even be remotely bewildered by anything that happens within it – I think the last time I was like…

…was when Southampton paid £12million for Shane Long after the striker had scored just four goals in 15 Premier League games for Hull City.

Fools.

Well, 18 months or so after the last time football gave me a shocked/baffled/’wtf’ expression on my face, it has happened again.

I don’t know what is more surprising, the fact that the number was so high or that Darius Vassell found the net that many times. Especially when the below image pretty much sums up the former England international’s career:

Darius Vassell
Source: Telegraph

 

So, once I had tidied up the cornflakes explosion that had occurred after reading the Vassell stat…

…I went in search of more ‘As if!’ football stats and very quickly I realised that the former Manchester City striker’s statistics were nowhere near the most surprising!

 

SHOLA HOW YOU GET DOWN, MAN I SAID SWEAR DOWN

 

So, let me get this straight! Shola Ameobi is a striker that doesn’t score or assist his fellow team-mates?! Remind me again how he has made a career as a professional footballer?

 

“I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY TEAMS CAN’T BEAT BARCA”

Away from bang average strikers, I feel it’s important for you to know that Dundee United have played Barcelona competitively four times and have never lost. NEVER.

Source: World Football
Source: World Football

 

If they were ever to cross each others paths again, how do you think Mixu Paatelainen’s side would cope against Lionel Messi & co?

Something like this?

Or perhaps more like this?

 

COLLYMORE TOOK VARDY’S “GET BANGED” A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY

Honestly, the best league in the world (apparently) and the record breakers aren’t Eric Cantona, Alan Shearer or Thierry Henry. No, it’s flamin’ Jamie Vardy and Stan Collymore.

Football, you should be ashamed of yourself.

NO SERIOUSLY, THEY WERE!

Right, you’d be forgiven for forgetting that Swindon were once a Premier League team:

Honestly, I’m telling the truth – and I’m not even sorry for using a second James Franco gif!

In their one season in the Premier League, Swindon conceded a disgraceful 100 goals! I mean, come on! Were they playing without a goalkeeper? Sure, it was back in the days when the Prem was made up of 22 teams, but the second worst defence that season were Oldham with 68 goals conceded.

Yes, Oldham were a Premier League team, too.

Enough! I’m done. I can’t take this anymore. If I find out that Dean Windass made over 100 Premier League appearances, it will send me over the edge.

Oh, he did…