MLS Player Wins Thousands Of Little Donkeys

Source: Instagram
Source: Instagram

 

Victor Ulloa had a strong month.

He was awarded the captain’s armband for the first time in his career in Matt Hedges’ absence, becoming the first FC Dallas Homegrown Player to have captained the team.

But the real prize came in the form of burritos. Free burritos forever.

victor burrito thumb

Chipotle, one of MLS’ major sponsors, has quietly been doling out free burrito cards to some of the league’s brightest young stars. His magic burrito card looks something like this:

 

 

Burrito means little donkey in Spanish BTW.

Ulloa could hardly contain his excitement.

 

“IT WAS AWESOME. HONESTLY, I COULDN’T EXPRESS HOW HAPPY I WAS. I’VE BEEN TRYING TO GET IT FOR SO LONG.”

Victor Ulloa

 

Ulloa didn’t get his card before FC Dallas’ players and staff had a little fun with him, leading him to believe that teammate Kellyn Acosta had been the sole recipient of the honor.

 

Kellyn Acosta
Kellyn Acosta

 

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“THEY KIND OF PRANKED ME. WAS A LITTLE UPSET WHEN I SAW KELLYN GET HIS AND I DIDN’T GET MINE, BUT IT TURNS OUT I GOT IT. HECK YEAH.”

Victor Ulloa

 

While this is undoubtedly good news for Victor, Chipotle will have to do more than give away free burritos to win the battle for hearts and minds.

 

Screen Shot 2016-04-19 at 12.11.18 PM

 

Chipotle’s stock has been in a nosedive for the past year after several large-scale E.coli outbreaks sickened customers across the country.

 

 

How many burritos do you think Action Bronson could put down?

Probably a couple. But he’d adorn them with beautiful sauces and accoutrements. They wouldn’t be no reggula deggula burritos, that’s for sure.

 

The Perfect Burrito

 

The perfect burrito is a bowl. You get more food – meats, sauces, vegetables – and you cut out the carbs from the tortilla.

The tortilla limits the size of your meal to what you can fit in it. A bowl has no ceiling. Getting a tortilla is really just betting against yourself.

 

burrito bowl
This would never fit in a tortilla

 

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If you want the perfect Chipotle, repeat these words:

 

“Could I get a bowl to go?”

“White”

“Black”

“Half chicken, half steak, please.”

“Could I get the onions and peppers too?”

“Mild and a little bit of medium.”

“Could I do corn and sour cream? And also cheese and lettuce.”

 

How many Chipotle burritos can Action Bronson eat in one sitting?

Over 2.5

Under 2.5