The refereeing crew responsible for officiating the Europa League final between Liverpool and Sevilla have admitted to smoking bath salts in the dressing room before the match after UEFA issued a surprise drug test following Sevilla’s controversial 3-1 victory.
Head referee and Swedish multi millionaire Jonas Eriksson reportedly told UEFA doping officials he smoked “about one gram” of K2 prior to kickoff.
Everyone watching the game in the stands and on TV could see the referees were under the influence of what appeared to be hallucinogenic drugs.
Blatantly obvious – egregious – fouls were not called as the referees traveled the astral plane from the confines of their own bodies.
While millions of people saw a Daniel Sturrige play a perfectly weighted pass that Sevilla’s Grzegorz Krychowiak reached down and batted away, the guy with the the whistle saw something entirely different.
“I SAW A THOUSAND LIFETIMES IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE.”
“I TALKED TO GOD. I AM MY OWN FATHER.”
Jonas Eriksson, referee/time traveler
Sturrige’s pass wasn’t the only handball that wasn’t called. Sevilla’s players used their hands with impunity throughout the first half. There were no fewer than three obvious handballs that were not called.
While many are calling for Jonas Eriksson to be banned from refereeing, it appears no such action taken.
UEFA, the organization that presides over the Europa League, is in shambles in the wake of the corruption and bribery scandal that has rocked the footballing world.
President Michel Platini was forced to resign in late 2015 for accepting millions of dollars in illicit payments.
His likely successor, Dutch football chief and current UEFA vice president Michael van Praag, went so far as to suggest that Eriksson should be made head of UEFA’s newly formed Doping, Regulations, and Unsportsmanlike Gamesmanship task force.
“JONAS ERIKSSON WAS EXCELLENT TODAY. BASED ON HIS PERFORMANCE, I THINK HE WOULD BE A TERRIFIC PERSON TO PUT IN CHARGE OF OTHER REFEREES.”
Michael van Praag, UEFA vice president
What should Eriksson’s punishment be?
Take his whistle forever
This is a satirical article