The Rest Of Euro 2016 Are Scared Of The UK’s Holy Trinity

dan-eyre
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It’s been the year of the underdogs. The season for the nobodies. And now, in its climax, one of the home nations is set to complete the year of shocks and take home the European Championship trophy!

Across the continent, football fans kept tabs on the Premier League table. Expecting to see maybe Chelsea or Manchester City at the top, they were left confused, asking who the f**k are Leicester City?! And who are this Tottenham Hotspur behind them – shout out to Spurs for finishing third in a two-horse race!

Bayern spent the season top of Germany, Juve with Italy, the usual suspects battling for La Liga. But in England, some unheard of team, who’s name American golfers can’t pronounce, go on and win the league.

Wales have only recently been put on the map because of that one Real Madrid player, who’s accent the struggle to understand. But Bale took charge of the Dragons, took qualifying by storm, and is taking them across the English Channel. The 26-year-old even had the cheek to claim his country aren’t a one-man team, after scoring seven of their 11 qualifying goals. The next highest scorer was Eminem Ramsey, before his bleached hair, with a measly two.

Nobody in Europe even knew Northern Ireland played football before this year. If it wasn’t for Rory McIlroy and Graeme McDowell, sports fans in the continent may not have even heard of the country. Nearly all of their team hadn’t been born the last time they appeared in their last UEFA/FIFA tournament 30 years ago, and now a who’s who line-up of lower league footballers are leaving Parisians trembling with fear, and are on course to win their first trophy since the prestigious, famous, esteemed, British Home Championship in 1984.

They were so good that England and Scotland pulled out of the tournament afterwards, embarrassed and crying, like petulant children who don’t want to play anymore after losing. And this time it’s Europe’s turn to run home to mummy, as more and more fans leave Belfast for the French capital, warning the locals that Will Grigg is indeed on fire!



Europe have been chatting shit and are about to get banged! This is the year for the nobodies. This is the year football is stunned. You can take your player data analysis, your total football and your strict diet, and shove it up your arse! This is the year for the Sunday leaguers, with leftover Greggs pasty flakes all over their face, stinking of last night’s Jägerbombs.

Will Grigg, Jamie Vardy, that Welsh fella who’s trying to look like Pirlo. Names Europe had never heard of until now. One of them will stand high and drive their nation on to be European Champions! Forget putting the Moet Champagne on ice. Get the WKDs in, blast Freed From Desire from your rooftops, and rejoice in the collapse of European football!

In a year of underdogs, anybody can win it! Apart from Scotland.