Why England’s Euro 2016 Party Won’t Start Until Vardy Does

England is on the verge their usual summer meltdown.

Roy Hodgson’s mug has been plastered with his usual expression of confusion, misunderstanding, and desire for a sausage roll.

Up top, England’s first game at Euro 2016 was highlighted by the wastefulness of Harry Kane taking all the corners and the miraculous strike of an unlikely hero in Eric Dier.

Truly a tale of two Tottenhams.

Either way, they’re still shit.

The English supporters fending off hordes of angry Russians  offered more of an attack than the actual squad.

Hodgson left the heart of England on the bench in the form of the Prince of the King Power, Jamie Vardy.

Roy, the man has fought his way back from the cellar of English football, he’s played drunk, and he’s a hell of a lot less frail than Daniel Sturridge, so what’s the hold up?

He scores when he wants and quite frankly a goal in a major tournament would be greatly appreciated by all English fans.

God save the Queen, right?

The old guard is dead and Rooney needs to be replaced with someone who has been in form in the last 3 years.

Plus, I’m still trying to figure how the fuck Raheem Sterling is worth a 30 pack of Bud Light, let alone £50 million.

With the pride of a nation on the line, put a true Englishman on the field.

It will not be prim, it will not be proper, but it will be effective.

Vardy is ready to party and he’s bringing the vodka.