5 almost transfers that you’ve never heard of this summer

Ben Mountain
Ben Mountain
Ben Mountain
Contributor

This summer has seen the British transfer spending record broken again. Well-known, big money moves such as Paul Pogba’s record £89million to Manchester United and John Stones to their neighbours, Manchester City, for £47.5 million, has seen the previous record of £850 million smashed already. Brace yourselves, we are over £1billion!

But where has it all gone? Aside from Pogba and Stones and a few other pricey names (Christian Benteke, anyone?), surely they can’t have amassed that sum with thousands of Ousmane Fane’s (£50,000)? And with so many moves being loans, where the hell does £880 million go? To answer that, we’ve done some research and found the most over-priced proposed moves this summer that threatened to raise the total even more. And boy do these clubs want to spend. Here’s our favourite 5…

1) Mr Kipling to Man City (£48M)

Source: Stepkans
Source: Stepkans

Desperate to avoid cake-gate and keep big Yaya Toure happy, Pep Guardiola made the little-known decision to rope in some help early on. Within days of arriving at the Etihad, Pep was on the blower trying to find some sponge-based protection against the midfield Bake Off fanatic, should his birthday be forgotten again. However, £48M was deemed too little by the baking giants Mr Kipling and Pep was snubbed. In the end, he settled for a bakewell tart in his drawer.

2) Joe Allen to Celtic (£62M)

The ‘Welsh Xavi’ has been highly praised at times and is revered in particular by former Liverpool boss, Brendan Rogers. So after his move to Celtic, the Irish gaffer’s first move was for the midfield whizz-kid. However, much to Roger’s dismay, Stoke City refused the transfer having already just paid £13M for Allen’s services. Even the temptation of £62 million couldn’t persuade The Potter’s board to part with him, such is the quality of the man. Rogers was broken-hearted when his funds were cut and reports say he didn’t leave the office for three straight days after…

3) Arsenal Academy into the first team (£15M in new contracts)

Wenger’s faith in young talent and desperation for value hit a new low, this week. Having failed to make any notable transfers bar Granit Xhaka and already aching after offering £35M for Shkodran Mustafi, Wenger was desperately trying to rediscover his core beliefs when talking with Stan Kroenke and academy boss, Andries Jonker, on Wednesday. In a master plan that would have reminded Wenger what he’s all about, the respected Frenchman suggested this bold move. It would have seen 46 schoolchildren signing up to the first-team squad. However, when it was taken to the boardroom, the shrewd gaffer decided any rowdy youths may be too much to handle in the Emirates.

SEE ALSO: Forget their ties to Tottenham, free agent would represent a great signing for Arsenal 

4) ‘The Crystals’ to Alan Pardew’s office (Lunch and travel expenses)

Croydon’s only touch of glamour, ‘The Crystals’, are popular additions to Selhurst Park. The group of cheerleaders have become fan favourites and match-day regulars at half-time and before home games. In a bid that would have “Protected these young women from prying eyes in order to promote sexual equality at Selhurst”, Alan Pardew had suggested a move from pitch-side to the mahogany ‘Pardew suite’ this August.

AP stated it would have been purely for professional reasons and insisted it was for the best in order to maintain the girls’ privacy and respect. Much to his disappointment, fan protests prevented the move and has kept the glamorous dancers as regular fixtures on the sideline. Tut-tut, Palace fans… Back to the dark ages we go.

5) Ronaldinho to Walsall, Crewe Alexandra, Luton and Northampton (£19-38M)

Brazilian legend, Ronaldinho, is one of the most respected and decorated players of the 21st century. However, having left A.C Milan in 2011, Ronnie has insisted on having a flirt with English football’s lower tiers.

This summer, like the last four, saw various clubs across Leagues One and Two bidding for the superstar. But what with the transfer market inflating so much this year, English minnows began bidding big-bucks. Fortunately, Ronaldinho was too pre-occupied recovering from his *two* matches in the Indian Futsal League to focus on moving. So, who knows, maybe even retirement calls. Surely not…

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