Sky Sports had four Jim White replacements lined up on Deadline Day

Transfer Deadline Day saw Jim White enthuse over a transfer, more than he’s ever done before. Along with David Luiz’s return to Chelsea and Jack Wilshere’s move to Bournemouth, we saw Dominic Cork – former England batsman – making the switch from cricket to football. We were knocked for six as to why. But he wasn’t the only maverick Sky looked to cover the day’s events. Oh no. There were plenty more behind the scenes…

1) Andy Gray

Having previously been sacked over comments regarding referee, Sian Massey, the former Aston Villa forward has also been accused of multiple other near-the-knuckle comments along with a well rehearsed ‘Get yer tits out’ sing-song for Sky anchor, Clare Tomlinson. Charmer.

However, when Sky re-approached the former pundit for his “experience” and “on-screen persona”, he told them “I won’t be restrained by Nazis like you again, piss off.” Gray now reports for beIN Sports, based in Qatar. He stated “They understand the way of the world out here. No time for this PC rubbish, if I’d moved to Doha years ago I wouldn’t be in this mess. It’s not my fault my missus doesn’t like the heat. She should be used to it though, being in the kitchen and all that.” Sky have since apologised for their “misguided approach”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dUrUzi_6Y8

2) Alan Curbishley

Famously out-of-work gaffer, Alan Curbishley, was recently seen wandering the streets of West London – where Sky Sports are based – with a handful of CVs in the desperate hunt for a job. Like a bored teenager on a summer break, he gazed longingly into shop window fronts, praying the next one would take him seriously. However, when he bumped into SS boss Barney Francis, he couldn’t believe his luck and seized the opportunity to plug for a job. Unfortunately, Curbishley’s resume wasn’t up to scratch and Francis opted for Cork instead.

3) Moussa Sissoko

Former Newcastle midfielder and seasoned French international, Moussa Sissoko, was bizarrely contacted by Sky to cover the comings and goings on ‘Jim White Day’. Looking to add “a fresh, current feel” along with “up-to-date opinions and a new face”, the media giants thought Sissoko would fit the bill. However, with the big Frenchman already driving south from Tyneside to sign for Sky, BT Sport came in with a last-minute bid and stole Sissoko from their competitors. In a recent press conference; Sissoko stated, “I couldn’t agree personal terms with Sky. I felt BT offered me much more flexibility and control so I’m very grateful they made the bid. As for money? Nothing to do with it. Not even slightly.” Unfortunately for BT viewers, the now-Spurs no.17 had further transfer complications last night, so pulled out of the punditry role to focus on switching clubs. Bloody amateur.

4) Lucy Pinder

In a move spearheaded by Rupert Murdoch himself, model Lucy Pinder was approached by Sky to make the switch from FHM to TDD. Sky reportedly felt they “didn’t have enough eye-candy for men to ogle when Jim White begins to bore them.” Pinder was therefore an “obvious candidate” to don the yellow garments, read out this year’s totaliser and call the pundits ‘boys’. Despite her self-confessed ignorance when it comes to football, the glamour model felt “it would be a thrilling new experience” and that “it can’t be that hard to pick up – I have a BTEC, you know.” Unfortunately for red-blooded singles across the country, Kate Abdo threatened to quit Sky should Pinder be appointed. Fearing they’d lose one of their most popular presenters and subsequently a large fan-base, Sky pulled the plug on the transfer and stuck with the usual duo. Pinder has apparently since plumped for a different type of job…