Mourinho’s secret weapon means Wenger will never get the better of him

This weekend, sees the continuation of one of football’s greatest rivalries. No, not between clubs or players, but instead two petulant managers who cannot seem to get away from each other. That’s right fuckers, it’s Wenger vs Mourinho and it’s LIVE.

Picture the scenario. We’re at WrestleMania in front of 80,000 screaming fans, mainly made up of middle aged men, all awaiting the grudge match main event between two goliaths of the sport. Wenger always falls short against the mighty José, despite the Frenchman constantly reinventing himself in an attempt to best his rival. It’s like a shite Stone Cold vs The Rock, basically.

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Ladies and gentleman, this contest is a ‘No Disqualification’ match set for one fall. Introducing first from Strasbourg, France, weighing in at about the equivalent of 1,000 cocktail sticks, ARSENE WENGER. His opponent, from Setúbal, Portugal, weighing in at one right old miserable prick, JOSÉ MOURINHO.

The atmosphere is electric. You could cut the tension with a knife. Sir Alex Ferguson is sat in the front row absolutely ripsnorted off of 10 too many whiskeys. Then the bell rings, and here we go.

Immediately it becomes obvious that there is a serious case of ring rust, as both men are plodding around the ring with about as much mobility as an out of shape Andre the Giant. Mourinho starts off with a couple cheeky thumbs to the eye before wrapping a tie around the Frenchman’s neck and wrenching it back endlessly. Jose appears to be recounting their most recent physical encounter on the touchlines of Arsenal vs Chelsea, and it’s rather brutal to watch.

Wenger manages to slip out of the manoeuvre due to his sheer lack of width, before sliding under the ring as Mourinho chases in pursuit. Eventually the two re-emerge, with the Arsenal boss yielding a water bottle of all things that he sprays into the eyes of his nemesis. The 67-year-old bellows out “THAT’S FOR ASHLEY COLE, YOU FUCK NUGGET” before dropping Mourinho to the canvas with a well timed headbutt.

As the match draws on it starts to resemble two sloths attempting to make love with the Old Trafford resident getting the better of the two. He taunts his greatest foe with slaps and “Glory, glory Man United” chants, until a sudden burst of Hulkamania-esque energy from Wenger sees the tide turn once again. The fans are starting to get behind the veteran, as was the case with The Rock vs Hogan at WrestleMania 18. Well, sort of.

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It appears as if he’s finally getting the upper hand after all these years, until out of no where BAM! BAH GAWD ALMIGHTY! Rui Faria storms down to the ring and nails Wenger with a replica Champions League trophy, as the capacity crowd gasp in shock and awe. Faria then drags Mourinho on top of Wenger as the referee reluctantly counts the one, two, three to a chorus of boos around the stadium.

Mourinho is carried away victorious as his theme song “The World’s Greatest” by R. Kelly rings around the speakers for all to hear. The confetti falls, and thus ends another chapter in this ongoing saga. Will Wenger ever get his day in the sunshine? Nah, probably not.

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