What Jamie Vardy has in store for Christmas will shock you

Ben Mountain
Ben Mountain
Ben Mountain
Contributor

Jamie Vardy may actually be cleverer than he first looks. With the festive period fast approaching, the Leicester City forward hatched a plan that ensured he’d have the best Christmas ever. In Saturday’s 2-2 draw with mid-table Stoke City, Vards got himself sent off; fairly or not, we’re not sure. But for the former Fleetwood wonder-kid, it meant one thing only… No work across Christmas and even New Year. Bliss.

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But how will he be spending it? And how does your Crimbo shape up in comparison? Take our festive quiz below to find out…

Everyone has their own traditions on Christmas day, from opening presents before/after lunch to board games and EastEnders, we all do it differently. And this is no different in the Vardy household. Simply keep a score of your points total to see how Yule be doing this Sunday compared to everyone’s favourite chav. 1 point for every A, 2 for every B and so on.

1) Right, it’s Christmas morning, are you…

A) Heading to Church; showered and ready for the day, nice and early

B) Greeting the family, having a lazy morning with the turkey slow-roasting in the oven

C) Feeling a touch groggy and watching the first hours of Christmas go by from your bed side

D) Lying in a gutter, covered in your own sick trying to remember who you are, where you are and who the fuck that scribbled a number on your hand belongs to…

2) What’s filling your stocking this year?

A) A quaint woollen scarf and new silverware set

B) Lindt chocolate, festive socks and that Cadbury’s selection box that does the rounds every time

C) A funny bottle opener, set of minis and a packet of paracetamol

D) 2L of Lidl’s basic vod and a Lynx Africa box-set

3) It’s now that time where Dad starts getting carried away and the festive bangers come on. Which is the first that you hear?

A) Bing Crosby’s, ‘White Christmas’

B) Band Aid’s 1984, ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’

C) Slade’s, ‘Merry Xmas Everyone’

D) East 17, we’ll say no more

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4) Now, as the sun is approaching the yardarm, what’s your first acceptable festive tipple?

A) Champers

B) Mulled wine or a mint Bailey’s

C) Cheeky snowball

D) What the fuck is a yardarm?

5) Christmas dinner is an essential part of the day. Blending tradition with excessive gorging, there’s nothing to dislike. Is yours a…

A) Full Turducken, trimmings, liver pâté, whiskey-cured salmon and a moccha-chocca-cappuccino soufflé

B) Whole turkey, roasties, yorkshire pudding, all the veg, sausages, cranberry sauce, Christmas pudding. The works.

C) Pigs in blankets, sprouts, mince pies

D) Liquid lunch. Few tinnies and a parsnip at best.

6) Present time. But what’s under your tree?

A) Whatever John Lewis had on display first and a classical music tome

B) New jumper, aftershave and pair of jeans a size too small from your fashionable Aunt

C) Set of speakers, phone case and your club’s colours on a mug

D) Full Reebok trackies, blue hair gel and of course, an all- expenses-paid trip to the K Cider factory in Woking from your Nan

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7) Now the festivities are over and the evening draws in, you start to settle down and see Christmas out. What are you doing?

A) Mourning the end of Downtown Abbey

B) Dr Who for the kids, EastEnders for the rest. Pack away the Trivial Pursuit board game and finish the Bailey’s off

C) Trying to find a pub that may be open for a swift round or two

D) Crawling back to that gutter having remembered all about tasty Tracey and set out on your quest for that rare shining star, three menthol super-kings style

Right then, the results are in:

7-11: Shove off, Lord Noel. You’re a disgrace to the word ‘chav’.

12-17: Bit like the rest of us, probably. You boring old bastard.

18-23: A Christmas to forget. We hope that life on the cheap will soon pass.

24-28: Congrats! You’re a true chav-king like Jamie Vardy himself! Now go and hop on your BMX and forget all about the ankle tag for a day. Be proud, you live life the way it should be. Have a can on us.

 

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