West Ham’s letter to top clubs has been leaked

Ben Mountain
Ben Mountain
Ben Mountain
Contributor

West Ham United are a football club slipping from bad to worse, to cataclysmically funny this season. The switch from Upton Park to The Olympic-turned-London Stadium hasn’t helped the Hammers in their ever failing bid to assert their dominance as a top six club in the Premier League. Currently languishing in an uninspiring 13th place, the season hasn’t been the booming success that the East End club were hoping for.

Now, once again, the board have made a fantastically misguided move in an attempt to give the club the boost that they need. So, binoculars and club-endorsed popcorn at the ready, time to settle down for our next instalment of the West Ham United comedy of errors…

Letters can be a thing of beauty. Romantic, old-fashioned, formal and classy; well written sonnets and world-changing words of wisdom have often spawned from a neatly folded sheet; sealed with a loving kiss. The trio of clowns who lead up the West Ham board, David Gold, Karren Brady and David Sullivan, maybe had this idea in mind when they sent a ‘begging letter’ to the ‘big five’ clubs in the Premier League. Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester City and Manchester United were all reportedly contacted in a bid to raid some players on loan as the Hammers look to sure-up their squad in January.

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With the likes of Daniel Sturridge, Antony Martial and Marcus Rashford ambitiously being called for, the West Ham board have not held back. But just how exactly does a once respected club compile such a cheap shot at sneaking over an advantage on clubs such as Stoke City and West Brom? Well, read on and find out. Luckily for you, we’ve managed to get our hands on one of these letters and are now sharing it with you. Merry Christmas everyone…

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to you on behalf of the co-owners of West Ham United football club, a small club fading into insignificance in London’s East End. Yes; the East End of London, we’re all genuine cockneys, you see. I am writing to appeal to your good nature this festive season as foes become friends and friends become family; it truly is the time for good will and love. This is why we at West Ham feel it appropriate to help try and share this good will for those in need. Well, sort of.

 

As a football club, we’ve been struggling this season. The problem is, everyone started having a Tommy tank (told you we’re cockney) over Slaven Bilic and then realised he wasn’t actually doing a fat lot this season and now we’ve sort of given up hope. Whilst we’re not actually asking for your manager, we do feel it appropriate to ask for you to find the room in your hearts, and squads, to let us borrow a couple of your lads in January. Just until people stop laughing at us and making jokes. Are you willing to sponsor a poor, desperate and disadvantaged club this Christmas? If so, please just send over some genuine talent. We take payments in the form of strikers better than Andy Carroll, fall backs that can tell their left foot from their right and maybe a clone of Mark Noble wouldn’t go amiss, either. Mr West Ham mk2.

* The word twat springs to mind ^ *

However we wouldn’t be asking if we weren’t desperate, and we truly are. We’ve been cheering for James Collins, for Christ’s sake. We do understand that one doesn’t only receive at Christmas though, but gives as well. This is why we are willing, in the spirit of hope and the beauty of Christmas, to gift any generous donors with the real Christmas star; Simone Zaza. His shining, bald head will guide any wise man goal-bound and he will assist, like the Angel Gabriel, with the sort of stunning skill bestowed upon him by God himself. After that, we’ll give you whichever of the Ayew brothers we have as well as a boot signed by the Light of the World himself; Dimitri Payet. We like to think this is more than a fair swap for your freshest, most promising talent to waste away half a season, pushing for tenth place and dicking about with a child’s bubble machine.

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So please, help end the extinction of a once flourishing species. Donate your players to West Ham United FC today for a free sack of shite in claret & blue.

Warmest regards,

W.Eredying, on behalf of the West Ham board

P.S: We won England the World Cup, just saying

Interesting tactics from the Hammers, then. Will it pay off? Maybe. Should a shock switch of clubs for Paul Pogba or Diego Costa occur, you now know why. Failing that, we’re sure James Milner could slot into the West Ham squad. What a thrilling thought.

Perhaps this letter will have more effect:

 

The players whose clubs held them back from success