What Big Sam has in store at Crystal Palace

Oh, Sam Allardyce. You had it all when England gave you the top job in the national team; your career couldn’t have reached a more creditable peak. But you blew it. Admittedly for a possible £400,000, that is.

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We all know about the Telegraph-investigating-corruption-why wasn’t-‘Arry-nicked-gate that saw Big Sam sacked as England gaffer after only one game into the job; albeit with a 100% win ratio. Anyway, the big man from Dudley is back on the straight and narrow. No more corrupt deals thankfully. Just straight, hard and no doubt painfully dull football from here on in.

Crystal Palace; having sacked Mr Wannabe Playboy himself, Alan Pardew, are the lucky new club blessed by the guidance of a post-therapy Sam. It would appear therefore that the man is earning an honest living nowadays.

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Or is he?

Skeletons can be shut into the closet well and truly for some people. For others, temptation overrules reason and old habits certainly do die hard. One night, in the Norwood Wetherspoons whilst celebrating his new appointment, we caught up with Big Sam over several tankards of Stella. Needless to say, after the 8th or 9th jar, Allardyce could no longer hold back from letting those skeletons loose. Betting, corruption and general scandal became a hot topic.

Fortunately for you, we made a scribbled note on Big Sam’s best betting tips for 2017. January blues coming up? No more. So get down the bookies and have a flutter on these bad boys. We feel someone may have a helping hand in their outcome…

1) Palace to sign Mark Noble. 7/2

He’s a former West Ham gaffer, come on. Guaranteed isn’t it? Super Marky Noble and Big Sam have such a keen relationship that it’s been reported they even spent Christmas together. Mistletoe and charades abound, apparently. If that’t not setting up a January signing, we don’t know what is. Short odds but surely a given.

 

2) Big Sam to neck over 7,500 steak and ale pies before 2018. 13/1

In an attempt to beat this year’s current record of 6,873 (which we’re told has climbed significantly after the festive period), the once praised Sunderland boss has set the ambitious target of 7,500 pies consumed by one single and rather magnificent man in a year.

If he can do it, fair play to him. It would however mean ravaging around 20 of the crusty beauties a day. Stating “as long as I don’t pay for them, why not?” – Big Sam appears to be well up for the mammoth task. A long time to wait, but surely it’s worth the punt? His next closest rival is reportedly the fellow gaffer, Steve Bruce. But he’s gone all Botox and hair dye now anyway.

3) The words ‘piss’, ‘journo’, ‘off’ and ‘prick’ to be combined in an answer to a style of football question. 8/1

This one, or so we’ve been told, is the easiest to end up rigged by corrupt, scandalous men. Not that the country’s favourite Brummie (or close enough) would ever consider committing such a dastardly act. Anyway, Big Sam is well know for his contempt, classy, modern football and is certainly not one to mince his words. It is possible. Worth a fiver, surely?

4) Fights. Lots of them. On the touchline. Odds are as follows, per season: >0.5 – 1/1, >2.5 – 5/2, >5.5 – 6/1, >10.5 – 11/1

Not bad odds there, lads. Having considered a career in MMA (though deeming it “a bird’s game for wimps and children”), Big Sam knows how to handle himself and definitely isn’t afraid of a touchline brawl here and there. Just ask Chico Flores. According to friends, Allardyce’s signature move was the ‘Swift Nut of Silencing Satisfaction’, devastating both bar, and pitch-side.

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5) More than 6 nights spent huddled over the local curry house/kebab shop/Chinese/McDonald’s toilet after a heavy one. 9/2

Whilst not a flutter Big Sam himself said he’d go for, this bet was specially chosen by our resident gambling expert for all of you. A well-known fan of booze as well as dodgy take-outs, the seasoned manager is often partial to a quick break mid-sesh for powdering his nose; post tactical-chunder. “Saves a killer hangover in the morning and makes sure you’re not too bad when the missus sees you. Plenty of benefits to that, chaps.” Wise words, Mr Allardyce.

So, take your pick. there’s plenty of tasty tips there to chose from. And whilst we’re not suggesting anything untoward, who knows what will happen when Big Sam gets involved, especially where money is concerned. Offer a reasonable price and, hell, he’ll magically take over the reigns for Wrexham AFC. Who would have guessed it, other than one very lucky chap who happened to stick a score on at 26,000/1? What are the chances, eh?