The ultimate guide to surviving without football

Ben Mountain
Ben Mountain
Ben Mountain
Contributor

We’re sorry, ladies and gents, it’s over. All the happiness, light and joy in this world has been sucked from everyday life. It’s time to buckle down and suffer that grueling period of bleakness and empty desolation. Football has finished. And it’s not properly back until August.

What the hell are we going to do in all that time?

For some, the next two and a half months will seem more bearable from the inside of a dark and firmly locked cupboard. It’s easier to shut out a world without football, you see. It can be a very dark place.

But, as Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness”.

Or, in the more iconic words of us here at CLICKON, “It is better to beg for football than embrace the summer”.

So, dry up those tears. Step out from that cupboard. Light that bloody candle. Here’s how to get over it all: CLICKON’s guide to surviving a summer with no football.

SEE ALSO: Stop making a footballing crisis out of a drama

10th June: Pretend to be the Old Enemy

‘Hark!’ the herald angels sing, there’s something on the box. Fear not, worrisome football fans, there’s already a match early on to satisfy your burning appetite.

You’ve managed an entire week since the Champions League concluded and this is your reward. 90 minutes of Gareth Southgate football. Not the best of news, we know, but beggars can’t be choosers. So don those giant inflatable hands and pretend to give a damn.

13th June: More England. Yay!

Rejoice, brave deprived comrades, for football is acome unto day. Again? How lucky are we?

But don’t let this spur of footballing displays fool you, we’re bound to lose anyway; it’s France. And it somehow gets tougher from here.

14th June: Fixture time

The day we’ve all been waiting for. Well, if you’re a balding statistician called Neil who lives in a shed near Warwick, that is.

Yep, this day allows us to pore over the Premier League fixtures – remembering to check the first, last, Boxing and New Years Day fixtures – and then forget them until August. Bonus points to anyone who can recite the whole thing on demand, though. We’ve certainly got time to practice. Two months to go.

19th June onward: Some European tripe

Yawn.

Something is happening in Europe, not that us Brits care. In that strange continent over near France, the one we all seem to passionately hate, there’s some bureaucratic nonsense unfolding that won’t effect us in any way at all. It’s been dubbed the qualifying rounds and draws for the Champions League, but it’s probably just that dodgy foreign bloke embezzling ol’ British wonga. Best just to ignore it.

1st July: ‘Funny little ‘Arry has a fit’ day

Here. We. Go. The transfer window opens.

It’s the most important opening of a window since your childhood on December 1st and it’s one we all can’t wait for.

Finally, something has come to hydrate our footballing thirst. A small plug to fill the gaping void in our lives. Prepare for rumours abound, crazy transfer speculation and some big and bold moves from one or two of our most loved stars.

Finally, something we can commit to again.

July: Nondescript football related event

Okay, we’re a bit stumped here. Nothing much really happens this month and, yes, the transfer window is nowhere near as fun as we remember. Expect some fella from Oldham materialising a childhood dream in his big money move to Gillingham. Hold out ’til the window closes, that’s when the fun starts.

It, instead, is the month for vague football-related events. By which we mean starting both your fantasy team and office sweepstake far too early, begrudgingly attending a pre-season friendly for the development squad and reciting the best transfer gossip to your better half.

Prepare to get really annoying, these days are tough. People need reminding you’re living without football.

SEE ALSO: Premier League-bound this summer

20th July: Desperate times

Things are reaching fever pitch. How much longer can you manage?

You’ve exhausted all the trivialities that precede a season and still have nearly a month to go. Where next?

You know where next. Sit on that sofa and set ESPN to auto-play. Soak it all up and pretend to enjoy it. Yes, you want to re-watch Sheffield United V Lincoln City from 1983. Goddammit, Nicky Butt was your favourite from the Class of ’92 anyway, you’re entitled to watch that documentary on him.

Is ‘Goal’ on for the 17th time? You watch Santiago play with pride, it’s the least you deserve for having been in rehab for almost two months.

1st August: Prepare like crazy

The month of football is upon us, finally. Get out those scarfs, old shirts and bobble hats; wash them, iron them and hang them pride of place on your wall. Hop online and note down as much pre-season pub trivia as is humanly possible. Then sit and wait, not long now. You’ve just got to firm ten more days.

12th August: Go mental. You’ve earned it

It’s back! On this blissful day our lives will be returned to normality, thank the heavens. Get down the Spoons for 10.00, grab yourself a rare pricey programme, record Match of the Day, sing to your heart’s content and rejoice; it’s back, everyone.

The pain is over. You’ve survived a summer without football. Well done you.

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