Eldrick the robot renders Tiger Woods and other flesh and blood golfers obsolete

Sharon Wong
Subscriber

You’re likely to have watched this video of Eldrick the robot acing it better than Tiger Woods himself at the Waste Management Phoenix Open. If you found yourself uneasily holding back while everyone else showered Eldrick with beer, the rest of the world might be echoing your sentiments soon. Right after the video cut, a disturbing takeover swept over the golf course, pushing your favorite PGA personalities to the peripheries of what was once their territory.

The first prickling of unease tinged the atmosphere when Eldrick did not take its (we shall settle on this pronoun until Eldrick can generate hurt feelings) cue and leave the stadium as the crowd raucously applauded his exit. When the last, brave clappers finally ran out of steam, Rickie Fowler made an entrance and tried to gently nudge Eldrick out of the limelight. He had quite forgotten that subtle hints don’t work on machinery and seemed utterly bewildered as to why his show of tact elicited no response.

rickie fowler
Source: getdownintwo.com

As if the situation couldn’t get any worse, the robot then reached out and removed a club from Fowler’s bag. “Whaddya think you’re-” Fowler protested before his jaw dropped open as Eldrick proceeded to perform all his greatest shots from the Hero World Challenge. “Great, huh?” inventor Gary McCord chuckled heartily as Eldrick swung with deadly precision, “He watches you guys all the time. He’s obsessed, totally consumed by the stuff you do. I’ve always said imitation is the greatest form of flattery.” Noticing Fowler’s crestfallen expression, he hastily added, “Don’t feel bad. He’s a machine Of course he’s better.”

bubba watson crying
H-how dare you!

The crowd went wild again as Fowler skulked off the course unnoticed, looking so forlorn that the bright colors he donned seemed like a punchline. His next opponent was to be Bubba Watson, who looked rather manic as his eyes roved restlessly about without making contact with anything for too long. Coming face to face with Eldrick, his tongue darted out to lick chapped lips and those within earshot claimed he mumbled to his caddie, “Fix it, whatever this is. I just wanna get this over with.” His caddie barely opened his mouth before he was repelled by an invisible forcefield “That’s it,” Watson screamed, throwing up his arms, “I ain’t gonna PC it no more. I love my sponsors, but I didn’t sign up for this… this devilry. I’m good with the Lord if I walk away. Don’t say I ain’t done my best.” Crossing himself furiously, he tossed his club at his caddie writhing on the ground and held up his hand at the cameras, yelling, “Y’all just talk to the hand, alright?”

bubba watson

The mood at Phoenix became significantly less festive after Bubba Watson’s flashy exit, but it seems like the event was not a total loss according to some audience members who were interviewed after.

“I thought it was amazing,” gushed college golfer Yeardley Copeland, “I’ve always told my coach you don’t need to swing like the pros to make it. I do the up down thing too, like Eldrick. Like, I’ll show you..” The interview got cut short when Eldrick snatched her club and snapped it neatly in half by flexing his circuitry.

“Lol, Bubba’s such a b***h,” Yeardley’s ex-boyfriend, DJ Nathan Brody said between mouthfuls of energy bars, “Dude, I would never have pussied out on a goddamn washing machine like that.”

Bubba’s caddie could not be reached for comment, as he was fenced in by a wall of sorority girls mopping his brow and cooing over the spreading bruise on his torso.

tiger woods
Source: Andrew Weber-USA TODAY Sports

As for Tiger Woods, whom reporters found lying on a deckchair on Jupiter Island, he shrugged wearily and said, “Really? First I’ve heard of it. I told you, I don’t watch golf anymore.”

Gary McCord piped in, “I think that went over great! Of course Eldrick would love a rematch with any of you guys. Do we have a date for the Northern Cross Tournament? Anyone?”