Fuhrer der Nation Donald Trump ascends to his gilded throne in just under week. And since The Donald’s Cheetos-orange visage is prominent in the world of golf, a bevy of Drumpf-related stories are flooding the wire.
Most notably, David Owen, long-serving Golf Digest contributor and writer for the New Yorker penned a reflection on 18 holes of golf he played with Il Duce five years ago.
But because #AintNobodyGotTimeForThat, we’re rounding up the best morsels from the unfortunate Mr. Owen’s piece.
1. Trump really is a good golfer
Say what you want about his extremely inside takeaway and penchant for holding his finish to comical effect, Donald Trump can play. As Owen points out, Trump, a single-digit handicap, will be by far the best golfing president in the nation’s history. He hits the ball a long way for his age (as Tiger Woods recently attested to) and is a stellar putter.
2. Trump is obsessed with talking about money and himself
This should be a surprise to pretty much no one: Owen reports that “Trump’s main topics are money himself—maybe his only topics.” He was fixated on discussing the wealth of the membership and surrounding area. He also made the bold claim that his Bedminster, New Jersey course is better than Pine Valley (universally regarded as one of the handful of best courses in the world).
3. Trump doesn’t let Golf Digest course raters on his course
This is classic. Golf Digest and Golfweek both rate golf courses for the purposes of their annual rankings. Obviously, the raters need to play the courses in question in order to assign a rating. Trump, however, doesn’t like the raters playing his courses because his “perfect membership lists” wouldn’t approve (or so he says). Rather than positing this as the reason his courses fail to rate highly, however, Trump alleged there is a conspiracy against him.
Just like CNN is fake news, right?
.@CNN is in a total meltdown with their FAKE NEWS because their ratings are tanking since election and their credibility will soon be gone!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 12, 2017
4. Trump called and bitched out the reporter for an interesting reason
First, according to Owen, Trump called Golf Digest to complain about Owen’s piece, then he called Owen directly. The issue? Well, this is too great and needs to be quoted directly.
“He wasn’t upset that one of the article’s illustrations had been of a golf ball wearing a turf toupee that looked a lot like his deeply mysterious hair, or that I’d mentioned his asking two little girls at Mar-a-Lago if they wanted to be supermodels when they grew up, or that I’d described nearly tipping him five dollars after momentarily mistaking him for his club’s parking-lot attendant, or that I’d written that he’d introduced one of his club’s members to me not by name but as “the richest guy in Germany.” He was upset that I hadn’t written that he’d shot 71—a very good golf score, one stroke under par….I hadn’t written that because he hadn’t shot 71. We hadn’t been playing for score, and we had given each other putts and taken other friendly liberties.”
5. Trump cheats at golf
Stories of Donald Trump’s cavalier attitude toward the rules of golf are legion. Owen seems to confirm this with his assertion that there’s no way Trump had shot a one-under 71. He doesn’t think Trump is a liar, however, but rather that the self-professed billionaire is delusional and actually believes the verifiably false things he says.
And if your appetite is whetted and you want to strap in for a longread, here’s Owen’s full piece.