Fast Food: What F1 Drivers would Cook on Come Dine With Me

Despite every F1 team having track-side catering that transcends the usual cheesy chips found at most motorsport circuits, we reckon there are a few drivers on the grid who would excel on Come Dine With Me, and others who would fail spectacularly…

This week, the four contestants will be Romain Grosjean, Lance Stroll, Kimi Raikkonen and Fernando Alonso.

Grosjean’s Menu:

EscarGRO à la Bourguignonne: Burgundy snails to start, Grosjean’s a keen chef and is actually working on a cookbook alongside his wife, so he hasn’t just been cooking his brakes this season.

Chicken Dijon with Tex-Mex sides: The other three contestants put on a brave face as Grosjean tries to pay homage to his French roots and American employer. A culinary disgrace the moment the mini-burritos and Texan ‘slaw collide with the mustardy sharpness of the chicken. Gordon Ramsay’s head wrinkles would retract and protrude at an alarming rate. Kimi has to leave the table to throw up, but it’s suspect that the food is the cause given that he found Grosjean’s wine cellar on the house tour.

TiramHAASu: Not contempt with destroying just French cuisine, Grosjean serves a Tiramisu with obtuse sparklers, chocolate brownie chunks and cookie dough. The Frenchman’s had a shocker.

Dress Up Theme: Your team’s brake system. A weird call that saw Stroll, Raikkonen and Alonso turn up at Romain’s front-door dressed as engineering drawings of their respective team’s brake systems. A sly move.

Score and comment in the taxi home:

Stroll: 6 – “The snails tasted like Jolyon Palmer, the main was gross but the dessert brought him some points from me.”

Raikkonen: 9 – “BWOAH… Food was sh*t but wine cellar was great.”

Alonso: 5 – “I don’t like the way the host reacted when I tried to make a joke when he served the starter. I kept calling the snails Kevin and Romain and he got mad. He served me a really small bit of chicken and I could taste salt in the dessert when no one else could.”

Total: 20/30

Stroll’s Menu:

Beans on toast: Typical teenager. Burns the toast and forgets to turn the hob on to cook the beans, make’s a last minute change and renames the dish: Toast with beans tartar.

Beans and Caviar on toast: Adds a bit of class with the caviar, but it’s still beans on toast.

Butterscotch flavoured Angel Delight: A dessert from the packet takes five minutes and gives Lance enough time to put more gel in his hair than Simon from The Inbetweeners.

Dress Up Theme: Anything from my Dad’s shop.

Score and comment in the taxi home:

Grosjean: 2 – “Zis waz a dizgrace. score lowered because I caught him trying to smuggle his family’s Michelin-star private chef in through the kitchen window twice.”

Alonso: 5 – “I knew it would be food like this, which is why when Lance said, “Golly, are you pleased to see me?” when he opened the front door, he didn’t realise that I was actually smuggling a chorizo into his dinner party. Underwear chorizo always gets a 5 from me.”

Raikkonen: 10 – “BWOAH, my type of food. Drunk food. Better than what I usually eat when I’m wasted, frozen chips from the bag.”

Total: 17/30

Raikkonen’s Menu:

BWOAH soup: Alphabet spaghetti consisting only of the letters b,w,o,a and h.

Vodka and tonic battered cod and chips: This fish couldn’t get the key in the door if he tried. Kimi uses four bottles per fish. He’s really gone all out with the chips, they’re those new gourmet McCain ones.

Ice Cream Bwoahnanza: Mini magnums, white chocolate magnums, dark chocolate magnums, almond magnums, limited edition strawberry and cream magnums, caramel magnums, calypsos, feasts, soleros, Hagen-Daaz and Ben and Jerry’s.

Dress Up Theme: Don’t care.

Score and Comment in taxi home.

Grosjean: 9 – ” Waheeeeeey all ze ladz. Hang on mate can we stop at that kebab shop?”

Alonso: 10 – “Zzz…Zzzz…Zzz…Zzzz.”

Stroll: 9 – “It’s way past my bedtime and I’m gonna get grounded for a week becau..BBBLLLAAAAARRRGGGHH.”

Taxi Driver: “Mate, you’re going to have to pay for that to be cleaned up.”

Total: 28/30

Alonso’s Menu

Broken Down Frittata: Deconstructed Frittata, so eggs, potato, iberico ham, chorizo and red peppers all cooked and placed separately on a plate.

Broken Down Paella: Deconstructed Paella, so rice, prawns, squid, chicken, chorizo, peas, chicken stock and peppers all cooked and placed separately on a plate.

Broken Down Pancakes: Deconstructed Pancakes, so eggs, flour, sugar, and maple syrup all cooked and placed separately on a plate.

Dress up Theme: Alonso Memes

Score an comment in the taxi home: 

Stroll: 7 – “I couldn’t eat anything because I’m still struggling from last night. It hurts to blink. But the food did look good.”

Grosjean: 8 – “I liked the concept, but felt like Alonso was trying to reach out to us. His menu seemed like a cry for help.”

Raikkonen: 6 – “BWOAH I don’t get it. Thought he was supposed to cook? Isn’t it Come Dine with me? Pretentious but tasted ok and plenty of Spanish reds flowing.”

Score: 21/30

So incredibly, Kimi Raikkonen wins the round by making his rivals so drunk that he could have served them a turd on a plate and they’d be happy. Tune into next week’s F1 Come Dine With Me, where Lewis Hamilton, Daniil Kvyat, Daniel Ricciardo and Sergio Perez will cook it out.