Dan Gilbert’s Goodbye Letter To Kyrie Irving

In 2010, the Cleveland Cavaliers franchise was turned upside when LeBron James took center stage during “The Decision” and announced his plan to head to South Beach. His decision truly sent ripples throughout the league and altered the NBA as we know it, one curious effect was Dan Gilbert’s retort in the form of a Comic Sans letter to all of Cavs nation filled with anger and promises as Cleveland’s owner effectively disowned King James. Now seven years later, Gilbert is dusting off his old quill and parchment and writing a letter following the exit of his newest departed superstar, Kyrie Irving.

Dear Cleveland, All of Northeast Ohio, Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be This Summer, And Those Who Haven’t Left Yet Because LeBron Is Still Technically Here,

As you are now aware, the man dubbed a hero in Cleveland for hitting “The Shot” has been traded, and is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This trade was announced days ago, but I have busy scouring the internet, spending the last few days Googling whether or not a growth spurt is possible for a 28-year old point guard and reading mock drafts to figure out what to do with the Brooklyn Nets’ pick. It seemed like the right move now that the draft is relevant to us for the first time since I picked Anthony Bennett who is now fighting for minutes for Fenerbahçe in the Turkish Basketball Super League, but I digress.

During that time, you may have seen my recent comments thanking Kyrie Irving for his remarkable six years in Cleveland.

But this is a letter for you, Cleveland, and all bandwagon LeBron James fans who are still anchoring their loyalty in Lake Erie for the time being. Even though we traded Kyrie Irving and he didn’t leave on his own, this is still a disappointing end to the most miraculous run in franchise history.

Why did this run that featured three straight NBA Finals appearances and the first title in franchise history come to an end? All because Irving wasn’t getting enough attention. Unlike Irving, the ownership team and the rest of the staff would clearly go to the ends of the earth for this organization, which ironically, Irving believes is somewhere slightly above Boston. This trade shows we are still dedicated to bringing a championship and are in no way happy about it because it puts millions of dollars right back into my pocket.

What this entire ordeal showed was that Irving wasn’t interested in the success of this franchise. He didn’t care about the name on the front of the jersey, and only the name on the back. Sure, his decision probably had nothing to do with the fact that I fire the team’s general manager with absolutely no replacement in mind. Even though it cost us the opportunity to go after the slew of available superstars on the market such as Paul George, Jimmy Butler, Chris Paul and more, it in no way, shape, or form impacted Kyrie’s decision. It was about pride, and not because we had one of the worst offseasons physically possible.

People are always swooning when talking about Kyrie’s handles, but the truth is, he has no handles because he couldn’t handle himself like a man. A man doesn’t treat the team owner like some sort of blind date you took out for dinner and refused to contact ever again.

Irving spent days, even weeks ignoring my calls, and for what? Because he wants to play outside of LeBron James’ shadow? Let’s face it “superstar” — in the three years without LeBron, you couldn’t even carry your team to 35 wins, let alone lead them to a championship. You want the truth? You have less rings than James Jones. You’re not even good enough to get out of that man’s shadow, let alone LeBron’s.

Speaking of championships, it’s your fault Cleveland doesn’t have two. If you didn’t hurt your kneecap made of paper mache, I’d have one more ring on my finger. That way, the next time Marc Cuban denies my offer to appear as a guest on “Shark Tank” I can ask him which one of us has more rings (suck it, Cubes).

For the second time in just a few years, Cavs fans, I must remind you that you do not deserve this kind of betrayal. Irving forcing his way out will forever be remembered. As an immediate reaction to his departure, we will be repricing all Kyrie Irving Fat Heads to the low price of $19.98. Why you ask? The cult classic “The Truman Show” rushed into theaters in 1998. Just like Truman, Kyrie is leaving the safety of his home in which he grew up in, where he was cared for and loved, to explore bigger opportunities out in the “real world.”

I made a promise once before, and I will make a similar promise to you once again. I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN ANOTHER TITLE BEFORE KYRIE IRVING AND THE BOSTON CELTICS. I make this promise not just because the odds are still in our favor, but because I truly believe in this team and this city.

By the time Kyrie Irving actually wins a championship, he won’t be wearing makeup when he looks like an old man. He will actually be the same age as Uncle Drew.

Unlike LeBron James who left before you, you will not be welcomed back with open arms, Kyrie. The only way you’ll be invited back to Cleveland is if we can use your oversized ego to cover Progressive Field when it rains.

So circle October 17th on your calendars, Cavs fans. Even though we may have lost one of our superstars, next season is still as bright as it’s ever been.

2018 without LeBron James? Probably not as bright. But until then, all our focus will be on bringing another championship to the great city of Cleveland.

Sincerely,

Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers