Finding Pogba: Spotting your wannabe 5-a-side superstar

We all have that one mate. Well, ‘mate’ is a stretch. We all know that one Paul Pogba wannabe at the midweek five-a-side.

There’s plenty of characters down at Goals, thinking they’re the next big thing.

Chances are they’re hungover, overweight and clueless about the football. But that doesn’t stop them from grinding your gears with their popstar antics.

But if you think they’re bad, can you imagine if Paul Pogba turned up at seven on a Thursday, Lucozade Sport in hand, with his astroturf boots tied to the point of constriction. Imagine what a pain he’d be.

We’ve compiled a handy guide to spotting the Paul Pogba at your five-a-side kickabouts.

But, be warned, he will be a tool.

Check the haircut

It’ll be dreadful. It’ll be loud. And it’ll be really childish. Also, and you already know it, it’ll have a dreadful word emblazoned across it. Like ‘Fearless’, ‘Nike’ or ‘#Equal’. You won’t miss it nor be able to miss it as your Paul will walk in with his head glowing under your very nose.

Should you fail to comment on it, Paul Mk.Two will talk about it anyway. And probably tweet it.

What’s the price?

Did you have to pay this chap extortionate amounts to do a great load of sod all? Hmm, sound familiar? If your Paul was the only one demanding to get paid rather than pay you, then you might want to think about your friendship. And team selection.

Mind the celebration

They’re going to dab and you know it. They’ll probably try and be all edgy with it as well. Like doing it through a 360 or after a back-flip or with their top in the air. And if one of the other lads runs over like an excited puppy dog and dabs with him, kick little Mr Lingard out next time, too.

Watch the YouTube compilations

How many channels – probably self-created – have they got in their honour? How much dramatic music do you have to wade through to think this bloke is any good? And how many of the same bang-average tricks do you have to watch in one video from different angles?

No doubt these videos won’t match reality and you’ll have come close to uncovering a secret Paul.

Ask yourself: are they a self-obsessed, gloating over-expense?

If your answer is ‘yes’, then you’ve found your man. There you have a real life wannabe Paul Pogba, live in the flesh. Get out of there and fast.

Push open those massive gates under the netting and squeeze back through between the pitches, sweating a ridiculous amount without having exerted yourself much.

An offensive of dabbing, tweeting, died hair, money-sucking rubbish is coming your way. You’ve got a Paul Pogba on the team.