LEAKED: F1 Driver’s Post-Belgian GP WhatsApp Chat

This time, Esteban Ocon describes his teammates attempts at murdering him with a ninja star, and Max Verstappen tries to trade drugs for power units beyond the Belgian GP. Also, Hamilton winces at the Dutchman for bringing up the subject of oil burning – a sore subject for the Ferrari duo.

WARNING: Post contains toxic levels of Bullsh*t:

Following the Belgian GP press conference in which Ricciardo revealed that the RB13 has the ability to feel and listen, we spoke to one of Adrian Newey’s design droids, Albert Frankogstein, about what level of sentience and emotional capacity the Red Bull car actually has?

“It’s funny really, when we launched the car, there was a lot of criticism and speculation surrounding the nostril on the nose. People wondered what its purpose was, how it would effect the aerodynamics, whether it was a clever cooling solution, etc. It’s simple, she needs to breathe, because we’ve got ourselves a rolling, talking, roaring, sparky, living car.

What Daniel eluded to in the press conference is true, I don’t know why the journalists in the room are guffawing at him, can’t you see the glint in his eye that screams truth? I mean, he’s not a mechaphile or anything, but she does seem to prefer him sitting inside her. Max has been pretty juvenile with her. He just doesn’t know how to turn her on properly, i’d call his performances so far a bit premature.”

– Albert Frankogstein

Ahead of the Italian Grand Prix next weekend, Max Verstappen is allegedly hoping to build brides with his car, and improve their relationship. The team have hired a marriage counsellor, and the Dutchman is planning on spending a few nights in the garage with the car, believing that a bit of spooning, and watching a few episodes of terrible “couple shows” like Don’t Tell the Bride and F.R.I.E.N.D.S might convince his RB13 to give him another chance.