Look Away: Why Football Mascots Must Be Stopped

Football mascots, eh? They’re a laugh. With their silly alliterative names and comedy animal costumes. Ooh look, here they come at half-time. They’re waving at the kiddies and doing a funny little dance. You gotta love ’em, right? RIGHT?

The truth is: no. The basic premise of your football mascots is to entertain and liven up the crowd when they’re a bit flat. It’s an idea that comes from America. In US sports, they’d roll out a wacky costumed representative to perform for the fans during lulls in the on-field action. Something to remind everyone that “Hey, we’re a serious sports team, but hey, we have a silly fun side too!”.

A mascot is basically aimed at kids though because the powers-that-be are trying to sell their club to kids. Which means that a football mascot is no different than Ronald McDonald. And no-one likes Ronald McDonald.

As football became more commercialised in the nineties, clubs looked over at the kings of commercialisation in America and said “Yes, let’s do that mascot thing too”. And so, they invaded our lives. They came in big fluffy, cuddly horse costumes and called themselves Harry. But inside that horse costume there was an army of Trojan warriors waiting to slaughter us in our sleep. You see, it’s all a show for them. Sure, they’re laughing with you on the pitch, but off the pitch they’re sitting in the boardroom counting all your money and chuckling with the suits about how stupid you are.

Here then, are some of the worst culprits. A sort of Crimewatch list, if you will. And if you see any of them, please do not approach them. It only encourages them.

Kingsley

You’ve probably heard of Kingsley. It’s the Partick Thistle mascot, and became famous for looking like a menacing Lisa Simpson on crack.

In actual fact, Kingsley is the best of all football mascots because there is no pretense with Kingsley. There’s no fluffy animals, or silly dances. Kingsley is the true face of the football mascot, and you must look at it and be afraid. Be very afraid.

H’Angus The Monkey

H’Angus is a monkey. You might like monkeys because they’re fun and they’re playful. H’Angus does not like you though. He will stare at you with his black eyes of despair, stare at you until you weep. And he yearned for power, power over you and your life.

In 2002, he got it too. The man who occupied the hollow shell of H’Angus was elected mayor of Hartlepool that year. But H’Angus lived on, like a heartless zombie monkey, and continues to shuffle along the fields of Victoria Park to this day.

Hammerhead

West Ham’s friendly mascot is an anthropomorphic hammer. Yes, it’s a living, breathing hammer with legs. Who dances to Gangham Style. All of these things should be immediate red flags going off in your head. You should be concerned by Hammerhead, concerned for your life and your easily breakable skull. Because if Hammerhead becomes self-aware, truly self-aware, and breaks off his mascot shackles, then may god help us because he’ll surely destroy us all with his giant hammer for a head.

Mossley Marv The LED Desk Lamp

Look at this picture and you’ll come to realise that nothing is real. All of our existence is a simulation that’s being played out on a super-computer. And Mossley Marv is undoubtedly proof of this, because how else can you explain his existence if not for a massive glitch in the programming.