Make These ‘Appen: Millennials First World Problems Solved

Daniel Blazer
Daniel Blazer
Daniel Blazer
Managing Editor

Despite the continual delayed train services doing their best to convince us that we aren’t, we really are living in the future, now – our books have batteries and things like refrigerators now have a higher IQ than us all.

The future has given us the inability to think for ourselves, we Google all questions, we have an app shortcut for everything. And whilst grandma will bore you to death with ‘during my day…’ stories, we bloody love it.

In fact, we demand more; we want an end to these first world problems – app designers, if you’re reading, you’re welcome; here are your next billion-pound creations.

GPS For The GPS App

We’ve learnt quickly to not put our faith in the location markers on Google Maps and CityMapper:

“You: The GPS says it should be right here.

“Me: A Pizza Hut has never been built in the sea.”

If A Reasonably Priced Property Comes Up For Sale App

No, we don’t want to live on a house boat, to just try and get partially on a rung of the property ladder. No, we don’t want to be able to keep an eye on our pasta, whilst in the shower or be able to flush the toilet whilst in bed. And we certainly don’t want to sell a kidney to get just get 5% of 5% of 5% of a house.

Now and then, whilst dreaming of not paying more in rent than you would for a mortgage, the odd ‘acceptable’ price pops up – but you’ve got to be quick to get it.

Avoiding Birthday Blushes App

Would be great to get a notification saying: ‘Just to let you know, it’s Clarence Ko’s birthday aka the bloke you haven’t spoken to since you left school, and didn’t even like in school, but make sure you wish him a great day, just in case you bump into him at the supermarket anytime between now and when you die’.

Old People Are About To Ruin Your Future App

It’s time for an app that forewarns ahead of things like Brexit:

“In 365 days, Barbara, who spends six months a year in her flat in Marbella, will vote to leave the European Union because, well, because she’s a selfish, narrow-minded racist.”

Discount Time App

Are you really below the age of 30 unless you get excited about timing it just right when hitting the reduced section in supermarkets?

We’ve all got an estimated time of when the employee goes round with their gun of reduction, but knowing it happens in a 30-minute window, is too risky; we demand – *need* – an app to give us five minutes warning when this daily euphoric occasion is going to happen.

Or, even better, maybe an app that tells us what is actually going to be reduced – never known devastation like it until you pause The Apprentice, run downstairs to the Co-op, only to come back empty-handed.

Meme Awareness App

It’s everywhere, it’s viral and your WhatsApp chats are using it constantly, followed by loads of crying with laughter emoji faces.

But you haven’t a clue what, how or why this meme is a meme. And you’re kept awake at night, worrying how long you can keep this how charade up, before someone realises you have no idea why a baby clenching its fist is so popular.