The First Rule Of Employment: Be Hungover On Work Time, Not Your Own Time

“Who ordered the seshwari naan?”

“It was me, the Sesh Prince of Bel Air”

– Every millennial WhatsApp group at 4pm on a Thursday

Come Friday morning, the excitement for the Thursday night ‘sesh’ has subsided, the torturous sound of your alarm is making every part of your body wince and the long – yet final – 9-5 of the week is due to commence.

Spending the whole commute contemplating whether you could pull a sickie, has gone, you’re upright in your chair, pretending you didn’t get in at 4am and leave your phone in the Uber, whilst Jackie from accounts tells you the same story you’ve heard a million times about how she decided to go for beige tiles in her bathroom.

The will to live has nearly left you. And although your job security depends on it, there is no strength within your body – which is currently pumping Jägermeister through your veins – to muster any form of productivity.

That is unless you live in Luxembourg.

With an average of 11.9 litres of alcohol consumed by each resident of Luxembourg over a year, it’s fair play to Luxembourgers for a) not only turning up to work but b) for not just staring blankly at the computer screen, and just merely resembling a shell of a hardworking employee.

But if anyone is thinking of taking down Luxembourg anytime soon, then we’d advise plying the country with unlimited beer. Although the Luxembourgers still rank fifth in the world in terms of highest API for those strictly on the sweet, yellow nectar, they can’t hack their beer like the Germans – Oktoberfest must be on Germany’s national curriculum.

If the 9-5 grind isn’t for you, if your payday is merely a way to live for the weekend, then, not only do we salute you, we advise you to head off to Romania.

The Romanian economy is the least productive in the whole of the world, with each person’s GDP at 15.46, a mere fraction higher than the 14.4 litres per person consumed by every single resident of Romania, from Beba Veche to Sulina; we kind of like the ethos of “one euro for the economy, one pint for me”.

If the powers that be of Romania are reading – have to assume they are – then ban beer in your country, with Ursus & co (a Romanian beer named after the Latin word for ‘bear’) accounting for exactly 50% of all alcohol consumed in Romania.

Ultimately, for any employers reading this, your workers are going to turn up hungover on a Friday morning because, well, because life. Therefore, open up those company coffers, dust off those cobwebs, and make ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ a thing in the office, but strictly buy wine or beer – we all know those spirit drinkers are just a drain on society…