5 Things Super Mario Does More Than Any Actual Plumbing

When you hire a workman, you can check all the reviews online but there is always an element of trust.

We are dedicated to consumer advice, which is why we would like to name and shame a cowboy plumber: Super Mario.

We first invited him into our homes 32 years ago and in that time, we’ve only ever seen him do some actual plumbing once. It seems he’ll do just about anything to get out of some honest labor. Here are five things this so-called ‘Super Mario’ does more often than any actual plumbing.

Goes Go-Karting

A good 90% of Mario’s stories revolve around his nemesis Bowser, who for some reason won’t stop kidnapping Mario’s girlfriend. No wonder he never gets his day job done if every time his back is turned, his girlfriend is abducted.

We don’t have a problem with Mario taking a day off to rescue the love of his life from an endless assortment of castles. What we can not abide is Mario inviting that same nemesis for a friendly afternoon of go-karting.

Mario also gathers re-current enemies such as Koopa Troopers, Wario, King Boo and Lakitu to join him and his friends. They meet up every 2-3 years to try new tracks as well as revisiting some of their favorites from the past. Meanwhile, that leak in our basement has developed into an indoor swimming pool.

Competes at the Olympics

Most athletes work tirelessly their entire lives just to have a chance of competing at the Olympic Games. So we can only assume that aside from the bi-annual competition, Mario must be putting in countless hours at his local track.

Mario is the perfect athlete, adept in all sports from athletics to swimming. He can even outrun a hedgehog who has been genetically engineered to run at high speeds by a mad scientist. And don’t get us started on his physics-defying high jumps. We just hope he’s as good with a ratchet as he is with a Javelin.

Practices Medicine

If the plumbing business doesn’t work out for him, he has a decent sideline option lined up as a general practitioner. As if the ‘Super’ title wasn’t arrogant enough since 1990 he’s also been receiving mail for one Dr Mario.

We’re not sure how he found time to study for a medical license with all that Olympic training – we would go as far as to suggest someone looks into his dubious medical career as he seems to spend most of his time just stacking pills. We’re not suggesting he’s up to any criminal activity, we’re just saying look, lives are on the line here.

Goes Missing

Probably the most irritating thing he is guilty of is going missing and we don’t just mean from work. For a while, between 1992 and 1994 Mario went missing altogether and we had to deal with his brother Luigi. Initially, we thought this could be a positive thing, considering Mario wasn’t getting the job done.

But it seemed all Luigi wanted to do was travel around the world and teach us about geography. He offered a far less exciting experience than his more famous brother for his first time in the spotlight. Worst of all, Luigi still didn’t do any actual plumbing, he just inundated us with boring facts about other countries landmarks.

Engages in Fist Fights

Still not convinced? Well, that’s just a Monday – Friday job for Super Mario, on the weekends he also gets into violent fist fights. Mario likes to travel around ludicrous environments looking for anyone who works for his parent company. And he doesn’t reserve all his rage for his enemies either, he’s more than happy to beat on anyone he finds.

He fights with apes, elves, Pokemon, children and even the dinosaur he occasionally rides to work. Just the other day we saw him throw his own brother into an abyss before punching an adorable little pink creature into the air.

Our Review

Because of this, we can only give Mario Brothers Plumbing Services 1/5 stars in this review. Make sure you research your next workman thoroughly and don’t be fooled by anyone who lists themselves as ‘Super’.