Totally Scrambled: A Definitive Ranking Of All Eggs

Daniel Blazer
Daniel Blazer
Daniel Blazer
Managing Editor

Eggs, man! They’re a loyal companion – and a very versatile one at that.

They have this innate ability to always be in your fridge, no matter how desperate your food options are looking just a few days before payday; in dark times, when you’re considering eating dry crackers for dinner, eggs will always be available.

The age old debate around which eggs are best, though, divides the Great British society more than Brexit. But it has now been settled, once and for all, with this set in stone list.

12 – Haribo Eggs

Like chewing on polystyrene. And although Haribos generally lack flavour, the fried egg sweet, somehow, manages to taste like air (who knew air even had a taste?!).

11 – Creme Eggs

Potentially the most overrated chocolate in the whole chocolate-sphere; with its too sickly centre and the inability to eat one in public, without either looking like a rabbit gnawing at the top or biting too deep and the shell breaking, forcing the yolk to ooze out all over your hands.

Creme eggs are not your friend.

10 – Baked Eggs

They’re probably the most attractive egg out there – yes, eggs can be ranked in order of looks. However, baked eggs feel like they were purposefully designed by Instagram, in order to make us drool as we scroll their feeds.

But we are onto you, Instagram. And that’s why baked eggs find themselves third bottom.

9 – Kinder Eggs

If an eight-year-old was writing this list, Kinder Eggs would be top of the pile. However, as you get older, and more cynical, you realise the toys aren’t worth it, they eggs aren’t big enough and you continually get annoyed that you can’t buy a kinder egg that isn’t hollow.

8 – Scrambled Eggs

If scrambled eggs always promised to arrive on our plates in a light, fluffy and yellow texture of heaven, then they’d easily make the top five. However, all too often we are left we an ill-looking white coloured clump of rubber.

7 – Omelettes

Is it possible to marry a Spanish omelette?

Also, what a weird word ‘omelette’ is!

6 – Hard Boiled

When you search hard boiled egg on Google, you’re inundated with links to articles titled ‘How to boil an egg?’.

Come on, people!

But, yeah, hard boiled eggs are a great on-the-go snack and do exactly what it says on the tin – side note: never eat an egg from a tin.

5 – Soft Boiled

We like to imagine the training for becoming a bomb disposal expert involves being able to time a soft boiled egg perfectly – too soon, and you’re opening up a shell of clear gloop. But too late, and your toast soldiers will have no runny yolk to dive into.

4 – Poached

Are you even a millennial if you don’t have avocado and poached egg on toast for brunch at least once a week?

3 – Scotch Eggs

A real ‘marmite’ food, but for those people who sit on the ‘love them’ side, we salute you – and also recommend trying a chorizo and black pudding scotch egg; an absolute game-changer.

2 – Mini Eggs

Everything Kinder Eggs want to be.

1 – Fried Eggs

The loyalest of loyal companions whenever you need to fight off that hangover. But it’s important for a crispy bottom and a runny yolk; the best combination since the Chuckle Brothers.

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